Wednesday, October 1, 2008

"It's a marvelous night for a moondance..."

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird, I will would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." --George Eliot

It is the first day of the best month of the year. October, to me, is the most inspiring month. I love the colors and the smell of dry leaves blowing around my feet. I guess, if I'm honest, autumn is all about death, but I hope I go out in as much style as canyon aspens. The mountains are definitely showing off this year, and I can't get enough.

And we're one step closer to Christmas. I've never looked more forward to the holidays, and I know this year is going to be wonderful. I'm anxious to see what the new year brings and just what I'll learn in the coming months. I'm preparing myself to be as open as possible. And as hopeful as possible. My cup is still fact, it "floweth over."

Monday, September 8, 2008

"Say what you need to say..." --John Mayer

It feels like ages since I last wrote, and even thought it's only been 4 months, my entire life has completely changed. I think George Costanza said it best:

"We got engaged, we bought the invitations, yada yada yada...I'm still single."

Thanks, George. That pretty much sums it up and leaves out the ever-present and ever-annoying emotion. Honestly, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of thinking about it, and I'm ready to just keep moving forward. I have no idea what's going to happen, so right now I'm just going to move forward. That's all I can do. Huh. I just realized how funny it is that my blog is named what it is. That's exactly what the last 4 months have been. I'm not sure yet why they were necessary, but I have faith that someday I will know. Part of me thinks there is no way I signed up for this--but I'm sure I did. Like my mom said, "When they started to explain this year to you in heaven, you cut them off and said, 'Yeah, I got it, I got it. Just let me do it.'" She knows me. Very well.

But life goes on. A new school year has started, and it's been surprisingly smooth. It's amazing how calm I've been. And my students--wow--they are incredible. I have that one class--there's always one--but even they are okay. I just need to be patient. They'll come around. (Or perhaps I'm the one that needs to come around). Anyway, it's been fun.

I've learned a lot about myself these past few months. Most of what I've learned is even too new to put into words, but I do know that I'm not the same girl who wrote that last post. I'm older, I'm wiser, a little sadder,but all in all, I'm stronger. I had no idea what I was made of, and now I'm beginning to realize just what it means to be me. And, wow, that sounds lame. Anyway, the sun keeps rising, and I'm rising right along with it. Life goes on. Even when we don't want it to. And thank heaven for that.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

"...You got to make the mornin' last..."

I stayed home from work today, and it always seems like the days fly by when I want them to just SLOW DOWN. Why can't it still be 9am instead of noon? Life has been going full-steam ahead, and I've been keeping up all right, but I'm ready for a break. I finished another journal on Sunday--this one only took me 9 months to fill up. That's a record. So much has happened in the last year--SO much. And it just keeps happening. New things are popping up along with the seeds this spring, and it's been fun, but I'm wondering how it's not all spinning out of control. I hope to have a better grip on things once school is out. I hope I'll make time to exercise and clean and read and write and breathe. I hope. But I'm happy. I really am. But I'm a worrier. I really am. It's hard for me to just enjoy something. But good things are surrounding me and I'm going to try to just drink them in and tell myself that I deserve them. (But even as I type that, I don't feel like I do, but I'm going to try.) Never have I felt more of an outpouring of love from those around me, and maybe that's why I needed to go through all the muck of these last few months. Who knows? I think it may take me years to figure out why this year has been the way it has. I'm just hoping I can let go of the baggage and just keep the post cards.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

"You make me happy when skies are gray..."

Yesterday I stayed late at work trying to find an interesting current event to share with my students this morning, but after about an hour of searching, I couldn't find anything that wasn't incredibly disturbing, depressing, and/or degrading. As I perused the stories, my hope for the future quickly dwindled to fear. I finally gave up and headed for home. The feeling stayed with me for a few hours, but eventually I was able to get my mind to focus on other things. When I woke up this morning, it hit me that I still didn't have a current event. As soon as I got to work, I went to only to find the same, and even more depressing stories headlining the news. When class began, I told my kids about my struggle in trying to find something interesting to share with them. Of course, they were curious about these "horrific" stories I'd found, so we briefly discussed a few things going on. I was relieved to find they were as bothered as I was. After we'd shared a few of our thoughts, the heavy feelings I'd been carrying were gone. Just that brief discussion had helped me to deal with my confusion and fear.

It's easy for the world to look at teenagers and blame them for all past, present, and future problems--and, sometimes, I'm one of those people--but today, as I sat back and watched them work, I was overwhelmed with how much I love them. These kids are real. They may act tough, but they worry about their future. They care about what's happening around them. And, what I most appreciated today, they care about me. As I stood there giving my daily "Do good things with your lives!" speech, they listened, and they comforted, and they lifted. Hoodlums? Sometimes. Do I love them? Always.

Friday, April 25, 2008

"Ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from you..."

I came home tonight to find a package waiting for me in the foyer. Inside I found a set of 3 cd's my sister had made for me. She also sent a note telling me she appreciated me as a sister and loved me. I was crying before I'd finished reading the few lines she'd written. I've been listening to the mix of familiar songs all evening, and I've been wrapped up in memories of my sisters. There are also a few new songs...songs Jen knew I could relate to. A few weeks ago, I received a package from my other sister, Gwen. She'd made me a fantastic skirt for no reason at all--just to tell me she loved me. I know I often take them for granted, but tonight, I am keenly aware of what incredible women surround me in my family. They have silently stood by me while I've worked my way through things the past few months. They haven't prodded or pushed, they've only loved and prayed. And I have no doubt that those prayers have been the main sustaining force in my life.